Case study 1: Tanya Mehra, 40: “My husband hasn’t spoken to me in three days. He says it’s work problems when I ask him about it, but doesn’t share them with me. He has simply shut himself off. I’m the only one bearing the brunt of this behaviour as he’s normal with the kids and other family members.”
Case study 2: After more than 11 years together, Baron and Lolita’s marriage was in doldrums because of Lolita’s go-to weapon whenever problems arose: the silent treatment. Says Baron, “She was punishing me for all problems and it gave her a sense of control.”
The silent treatment isn’t new but the alacrity with which it has become a tool in modern couple warfare is disturbing. New York therapist Jane Greer calls this mode of (non) communication an “equivalent of a deadly emotional assassination”, adding: “The reason it’s so deadly is because it eclipses the purpose of anger – which is to use it constructively to bring about positive change going forward in a relationship,” says Greer.
But why do people use a method that stalls issues from being resolved? Psychiatrist Sonali Gupta believes it could either be a form of punishment or self-protection. The most obvious sentiment that the person who uses this treatment is to say out aloud: ‘I don’t like what you did!’
Gupta says, “When your partner shuts you down, it’s about hurt feelings or acknowledgement of hurt feelings. Most of the times the person using the silent treatment is normal to everyone except the target of their hostility. Most of the times, this person is someone very close – spouse, partner, sibling, parents… The aim is to make the person feel guilty, or punish them.”
Unfortunately, emotional cutoffs can destroy relationships in the long run even if it makes you feel in control for a while. According to Psychology Today, the silent treatment is an inherently optimistic tactic for the ones doing it as they think it sends a clear message: if I stop talking to you because of something you did, I’m telling you I hope for better behaviour in the future.
But the fact is that it results in more misunderstanding and stress eventually leads to an emotional deadlock!
Psychiatrist Bhawna Monga explains why it all goes downhill in case of “frequent use” of silent treatment: “By shutting off you are withdrawing any scope to settle the issue. The silence can take your partner for an emotional roller-coaster, and may also push the partner at the receiving end… to withdraw communication from his/her end too.”
Science journal Procedia – Social and Behavioral Sciences says most couples are uncomfortable talking about reality, hence, they use the silent treatment or shutting themselves as a part of the ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern.
– A research analysis based on 74 studies — encompassing more than 14,000 participants — found the ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern to be one of the most damaging kind of relationship conflicts, and one of the hardest patterns to break.-It often precedes divorce.
– People who engaged in this pattern of communication had lower relationship satisfaction. They also showed personality changes, such as less agreeableness and conscientiousness, and more aggression and neuroticism.
– Paul Schrodt, lead researcher and professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University, said the study also showed that the ‘demander’ feels his/her partner won’t open up and his/her emotional needs aren’t being met while the silent person is protecting him/herself from emotional friction. Each needs to ask: “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behaviour make my partner feel?”
What NOT to do… …when faced with the silent treatment
– Don’t immediately jump to conclusions that this has everything to do with you.- Take a deep breath. Observe.- At times even the partner giving the silent treatment doesn’t know what’s wrong.- Give him/her time to figure it out.- Don’t stress what you can’t control.
