If you grew up in Nigeria or your parents are Nigerians, you should relate to this, maybe not all, but certainly more than 50%.
1. “Put it on my head!”
especially when you are asked to bring something.
2. You will learn how to cook, by force, by fire.
3. The punishments.
Ahh, good old kneeling on rice. At least that one’s better than the belt that your father has in his closet.
4. Your house is basically an open house.
5. If you hear your parents say your full name, start running.
6. “If I hear pim!”
When they beat or scold you, you better not cry.
7. You better greet.
8. Getting insulted is a daily occurrence.
9. “Do I know their mother?” and “When last did she/he come to your house?”
10. Your mother will ask you to pass the remote when It’s right beside her.
I honestly can’t even tell you how annoying this is, not only will it be right next to her, she will call you from upstairs to get it and if you even think of complaining, just don’t, trust me. You don’t even want to know what will happen if you do.
11. Your parents are practically gods. God help you if you try to talk back to them.
Seriously, don’t. Don’t yell, slam a door in anger, say anything back to them when they are talking to you or curse. If you do, well, it’s your funeral.
12. This really needs more than one point. If you talk back to them, just start digging your grave. You may very well need it.
Don’t do anything. Don’t move, don’t pass go, don’t collect 200 dollars, just start digging.its like: you want to beat me, ehn.. oya nah, beat me… halairius!!!
13. Warning you again. Don’t even try it.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
14. Your parents are never wrong. You are.
15. Everyone who is older than you is your “auntie” or “uncle”.
I still sometimes call random people “auntie” or “uncle” to this day.
16.You will never meet your entire extended family.
Everybody is somehow family.
17.” Do they have three heads?”
You will always hear this whenever someone does better than you at school. “The people who got a 100, do they have three heads?’
18. “Where is the remaining two percent?”
You will definitely have heard this if you have ever gotten a 98% on a test or exam.
19. That soda in the fridge is never for you.
Oh how quaint, you thought the soda in the fridge was for you. Be dreaming there. That soda is for the visitors.
20.When a Nigerian parent wants to leave the house but does not want the child to follow him/her, the easiest way to discharge the child is “Go and wear your shoes, I’ll wait.” – Nigerian moms are especially guilty of these one.
21.When a Nigerian parent especially mom say, ‘let me hold the money for you’ then you know the money has forever changed ownership. If you try to remind them in future that they owe you, be prepared to be told how you were clothed, fed, housed and nurtured for free. You didn’t can pay them for those, did you???
22. ‘If you tell me the truth, I won’t beat you’. Most Nigerian parents tell this smart lie a lot. Only about 1% of them would actually stand by their words. Even this 1% would go ahead and use your confessional statement as evidence against you.