Abigail
I’m not a fan of receiving oral sex – there, I’ve said it. And before you start, let me assure you that I’ve had very talented gentlemen callers head south to explore the landscape, but it makes no difference.
‘With a foreskin, I know what I’m doing’: 20 women tell us what makes a good penis and why I can already hear the cheer from men across the country telling each other, ‘lads, we don’t have to go down on women anymore’.
If I had a red buzzer, I’d press it now. Each woman is different and you know it; this is not a cop-out for men to retire their tongues. But, personally, when it comes to getting head, I can take it or leave it.
While as I’ve already expressed I have had great experiences of the act in question, it’s a rarity. In fact, the majority of the men I’ve been with didn’t know what to do down there, and frankly, often it’s more of an annoyance.
Biting down on my clit as I writhe from the pain of it – not a hit. Continuously lapping at my vagina like a dog who’s been given a bowl of water after a long walk – also a no.
Only using your tongue and forgetting to use your hands? You might as well go home now. It’s not just about the expertise, or lack of.
Imagine someone said you could have a free holiday with two options to choose from: either an all-expenses paid week in the Maldives or a day trip to Lagos with a home-made picnic.
As nice as Lagos is, in this fictional scenario, we both know you’d be on the plane – or in this case, dick – to the Maldives in a heartbeat.
There’s also a much higher chance I’ll have an orgasm waiting for me in the Maldives. But enough with the analogies: basically, for me, it’s easier to cum with a cock.
Perhaps my biggest pet-peeve on oral sex however, is the ‘sit on my face’ request. Now, while I appreciate that it’s each to their own, most of the women I’ve discussed this with have agreed with me: sitting on someone’s face is awkward.
I’m literally drowning your face with my vagina, while you look up at me from potentially the worst angle possible. It’s like when I open the camera on my phone and it’s set to ‘front face’; I suddenly wonder how in the hell I’ve developed that second chin. Or in this case, that extra roll on my stomach. Thanks for that, UberEats.
Meanwhile, instead of focusing on pleasure, all I’m thinking is ‘can you breathe under there’ and ‘I wonder how long my thighs can stay in this position before they start to cramp up’. Now, this isn’t to say I don’t like giving head myself, because I absolutely do.
There’s great satisfaction in doing a job – pardon the pun – and doing it well. Maybe I should add that to my dating profile, I have a feeling I’d get an upswing in matches.
Finally, it’s the quid-pro-quo argument: You went down on me, so now I have to go down on you? Funny, because I’m certain I’ve given more head than I’ve got. All I’m saying is, getting oral sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – but if I’m going down there, you had better at least offer me the same courtesy. Sure, I’ll say no, but it’s nice to know I’ve got options. Just in case I’m ever in the mood for Lagos.
