In some marriages, a breakdown in the sexual relationship may be an indicator of deeper problems in the relationship such as lack of trust, intimacy, resentment, anger amongst others.
A marriage counsellor and social worker, Oluwakemi Oguntoyinbo viewed sex in marriage as lubricants and an emotional connection between a man and woman, the absence of which can result to friction in marriage.
Oguntoyinbo stated that in a marriage where sexual satisfaction is lacking, trust takes a back seat, as the woman always thinks the husband has gotten the pleasure outside.
“Sex is an emotional connection between a man and a woman. And when this emotional connection is being hampered, it diminishes love and amorous relationship between a man and woman. The woman may begin to ask question on why she’s even in such a ‘sexless’ relationship.”
Echoing the same sentiment, a Chief Nursing Officer at the Department of Behavioural Medicine, Lagos State University Teaching Hospital, Ikeja, Dr Amusa Taiwo, likened sex in marriage to a nucleus that binds cells together in the body which serves as the life centre.
He said there could be a period of arousal in a woman expecting a level of intimacy from her husband that brings the good expected fruits, the absence of which could make her feel bad.
The psychiatric nurse observed that poor sexual performance orchestrated the visible lack of trust that reigns supreme among many couples nowadays.
“Going to the holy books, the Creator told us that two people from different homes and background become one and God tasked them on procreation. So, sex is the major part of marriage.
“When a man goes out in the morning and comes back at night and he cannot perform, the wife will be suspecting her husband of choosing a promiscuous lifestyle and whereas she’s keeping herself for the man alone.
“And when such thought sets in, we are all human beings, nature will pressurise her and one day she may taste somebody somewhere and before you know it ,she’s going,” Amusa stressed.
Acculturation, diet change are major factors
Can stress, the type that obtains in Lagos, where people spend several hours in traffic be a contributory factor to poor sex performance? Or could it be the current ravaging economic downturn, where men are finding it increasingly tough to meet their family needs?
Oguntoyinbo thinks both. She said Nigerians are not oblivious of the tough times that have pervaded the land in the last few years, stressing that it can affect sexual performance in a man.
She also cited stress and restlessness as part of factors militating against Nigerian men performing well in bed.
“Everybody understands that Nigeria’s economy is not smiling at the moment and in all honesty, it can influence poor sexual performance of men, but that shouldn’t be every time sexual advancement is being made to him,” Oguntoyinbo stressed.
Lending his professional voice to the challenge, Dr. Amusa identified acculturation that affects Africa’s way of life as one of the factors that lead to what many men are facing in terms of inability to perform well in bed.
He observed that some diets that many Nigerians take in the name of civilisation are injurious to the body system, which may also affect their sexual performance.
The nurse also cited promiscuous lifestyle of many men, which may have resulted in untreated STDs, as another factor endangering their sexual performance.
“Acculturation does not only affect our culture, norms and value; we diverted mostly onto modern diet that’s not among our own set up from inception. What we are eating nowadays are not what our fore-parents who lived well above hundred years ate during their time.”
“Again the fear of the unknown or anxiety also contributes to this problem. What could have caused anxiety? Anxiety to cope with demands of life especially in Nigeria is a great challenge. No matter how romantic a man can be, if anxiety strikes, he would not be able to attain rigidity to perform.”
“Untreated or half treated STDs also hamper full erection in a male organ. There are relationship between the male reproductive organ and the pelvic location of man and even the rectum where faeces passes out. If there is any congestion around that way, a man may not be able to get erection.”
“Constipation is a factor. if you don’t evacuate very well, that can lead to erectal dysfunctional. And again if there could be any hormonal imbalance in man, testerones that stimulates the male organ to attain rigidity to the expected level for man to perform, would be hard for that man to perform.
“And when a man is unable to perform and make the woman happy sexually, gradually the love would be fading away and such thing can cause division,” she explained.
Speaking further, she said, “Our fore fathers ate fresh and raw things from their farms, unlike what we eat in the city that have lost minerals, vitamins and dietary values before we consume them. According to dietary, heat destroys a lot of minerals and vitamins in some of the things we are consuming now.
“Our lifestyle, which has a lot to do with our lifespan changes. Human beings are endowed with living cells that need specific diet in terms of multi-vitamins, mineral, salt and water and any deviation from that reduces our potency either in physical activities, even in mental activities but affect more of our sexual activities.”
“There are several other factors, which include the type of medication we are consuming. How are we sure we are consuming the right medication for the right illness? Are we not consuming adulterated medication? Who manufactured what, is very important. All these reduce potency when it comes to having sexual intercourse,” he explained.
Way out
Oguntoyinbo urged men to always seek to strike a balance between the contending issues of life and the home-fronts, adding that communication between couples is essential.
She also encouraged women not to fail in their responsibility to prepare good food for their husbands, to avoid consuming junks outside, which according to her, also have harmful effects on men.
She cited lack of trust as one of the factors contributing to the rise in divorce cases in courts across Nigeria.
She revealed that many women prefer to seek divorce rather than stay in marriage and cheat on their husbands.
“I am a woman, so I understand how it works. There are times when one would have this uncontrollable urge to have sexual intercourse; in a moment like that, if you don’t get the kind of satisfaction you expect from your husband, there would be trouble.
“Such woman may be tempted to look for that satisfaction elsewhere and if that happens, the emotional connection between the man and his wife begins to wane. And that leads to problems that may end up in divorce or separation,” she stressed.
Also seeking solution to the menace, Amusa who also holds a Post Graduate Diploma in Social Work from Ladoke Akintola University, Ogbomosho, canvassed for Africans going back to their roots, that is, culture, norms and values, as the cogent solution getting off the hook of strange illnesses on the their continent, including erectile dysfunction.
He also counselled men to be mindful of the lifestyle they live, the type of diet they take and the type of journey they are embarking upon.
In addition, he pointed out that many men don’t have enough rest. “Scientifically, it has been proven that out of the 24 hours that make up a day, if a man spends 16 hours performing either as a civil servant, business tycoon or traveller for his daily bread, the remaining eight hours should be for rest and sound sleep.”
He God has created man in a way that He recomposes him naturally during rest periods. “Anybody taking seven to eight hours rest in a day without taking any drugs or medication, will wake up the second day hale and hearty.
“Nature can never be cheated. So if a man cannot satisfy his wife very well, no matter how two of them love each other, gradually the love will be diminishing and fading,” he counselled.
‘Sexual enhancement, a wrong option’
Several men in their own wisdom have opted for sexual enhancer of different sorts, especially unorthodox ones, many of which are brewed with alcohol.
But Dr. Amusa berated such decision and move by Nigerian men, saying alcoholism reduces vitamins and minerals in the body to zero level.
Instead of taking sexual enhancements that has more dangerous repercussion to the body, he suggested that men can be taking natural things like plantain with palm oil and salt; squeezing ‘scent leave’ and drinking the water, mixed the shafts with sliced onion, pepper, fresh tomato and put it on cooked rice and eat.
“Most people nowadays take too much alcohol and alcohol is injurious to our body, as it reduces the capacity of many things in the body. Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C, Vitamin K and other minerals are being reduced to zero level in their functionality in our bodies when we consume excessive alcohol. And that is why we have chronic alcoholism as part of mental illness.”
“Anybody that takes alcohol in excess is killing himself consciously or unconsciously. How often do some of us take herbs, roots, bark of tree and all that?
Those are natural things that our fore fathers were taking in those days and they lived for several scores of years. We’ve lost our foundation and that’s the problem,” Amusa concluded.
